~I have been listening to the song 'Keasbey Nights' by Catch 22 alot.
~Some of my favourite bits:
i still remember that day
like the day that i said
that i swear "i'll never hurt myself again"
but it seems that
i'm deemed to be wrong
to be wrong to be wrong
so i've got to keep holding on...
they always played a slow song
when they come for me
i'll be sitting at my desk
with a gun in my hand
wearing a bulletproof vest
singing my my my
how the time does fly
when you know you're going to die
by the end of the night...
i still remember
when we were young and fragile then
no one gave a shit about us
because times were tougher then...
~Did I ever mention that I had a list of suicides planned out? Yeah, various ways to go and what needed to be done for each. I also had a few lists of places to run away to. I kept a list of them and directions from various points in my car. I lost those when I totaled the car.
~I don't know why...I supose I always felt safer with a list and a plan. They say the kids who talk about it are the least likely to actually commit suicide. They say suicide is most often done in a private place. They say a lot of things.
~I was going to go out bitterly. I had a date picked--May 19th. Every year, it would roll around and I'd wait, holding my breath at times to see if I'd survive. I told myself, if I ever did it, May 19th would be the day.
~May 20th, I'd feel a little depressed becasue if I was going to kill myself, I'd have to wait a whole year to do it.
~May 19th is Colin's birthday. I was angry at him when I picked the date and I wanted to ruin his birthday forever. I doubt anyone would have made the connection or that it would have mattered in a year. Maybe I could have sent him an e-card every year..."Happy birthday, I'm dead!"
~He, ah, he really hurt me, you know? I've forgiven him since then and he claims he's a changed man...but I don't think it really matters.~