~I get him tomorrow.
~After the concert, I will come home and he will be here and will be real and I will get him. Please, don't let me miss this.
~I'm afraid that it will be awkward and awful. I've not seen him for more than a month. I don't want to have to push through the awkwardness. I want to grab him and kiss him and hold him and say I love him. But is that what he wants? I don't know. He's not as demonstrative as I am.
~Also...there is part of me that is afraid he is coming down for someone else. I mean...he is. He's coming down to see a friend of ours in a play. He isn't coming down just for me. I feel like an afterthought. Like...'well, I want to go see the play and I guess I'll stay with Jenny while I'm there.'
~Do I mean as much to him as he does to me? I'm so, so afraid that I'm an afterthought. I want to...I want to be special. I want someone to do things for me. Buy me flowers. Say I look nice. Come visit.
~I'd half planned to come up in two weekends to visit him...but my dad reminded me of the family reunion, and frankly, I'm a little glad. I love him, but I don't want to pressure him. And if I'm not special to him...
~Besides, I'm going up the last weekend in April. I guess that means there really isn't any chance of him coming down for my birthday. The 13th is the fmaily beach trip.
~That's another thing. I was worrying about the rules (must be 25 and coming with a family group; no highschoolers of collage groups) and he said that 3/7 people coming weren't fmaily. It's suposed to be me, mom, dad, Liz, Bill, Ryan, and maybe on of Liz's friends. Bill is family because he's been around so long. And Ryan...I think of him as family. Doesn't he think of me as family? I guess not...and that really breaks my heart.
~Everytime I think about it, I really want to cry. It's a big deal to me--family is. The fact that Liz is ditching us for most of the week upsets me greatly. Then Ryan insinuating that he doesn't think of himself as family...I hate it.
~He's not *technically* family, I guess...but can't peopel be family without being blood? We've been dating for enarly two years! Seriously dating! That's near enough to family...I thought.
~I should talk to him about it. But howw do you bring that kind of thing up? If I bring it up this weekend, it might cast a cloud over everything and I'd hate that. I guess online...but...I won't be able to do that until Monday. *sighs*
~Why do I have to care so much?!~