~Ryan did this thing a few times...he held my hand and kind of absentmindedly twisted the little silver ring that I wear. Something about that made me melt inside. Such a little tiny action.
~We used to be on the webcam almost 24-7. When his computer was in his room, it was so wonderful to wake up and see him lying there, huddled under his blankets. On weekends, I would get up and watch the room brighten as I fought to make out his shape on the bed. It was nice to just look at him.
~We don't do that any more.
~His computer is out in his living room and the webcam faces a wall. Even before, I would wait and see if he wanted to start the video chat. I didn't want him to feel pressured or put on.
~After a while, I didn't start because I wanted to see if he would start it. See...basically, see if he wanted to see me. It wasn't often--to my memory--that he started it without being prompted. It didn't take long for me to stop.
~Why do I play these stupid games? I think it's because I want to feel special. I want to be special to him; I want him to go out of his way to do things for me; I want him to do things for no other reason than because of me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
~It is not good to calculate a relationship in terms of one person. Alot of time, I feel like the relationship is all about me giving. About me going out of my way to do things. About me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
~See? I'm doing it agian. It sould be all about him. Not what he does for me, but what I can do for him. Without feeling like I'm being made to do whatever.
~It's stupid, but there are times that I actually feel a little angry about this stuff. When I recognize it, I can back off and calm down...but at first, I really am upset. I feel sometimes, like I care about him more than he cares about me. I don't think that's true; I think it's just a part of his less-demonstrative personality.
~*sigh* I still need to talk to him about the family stuff.~