~Damnit! Why do I do this to myself!
~Why'd I take this job?! Why didn't I just go up there when he moved?! Why?
~I hate it, at this point. If I'm not at work, I'm here and miserable. My roommate's bf is always coming over. He made her a nice romantic dinner and filled the apartment with candles.
~Looking at everything...it's just so romantic and so nice and I'm so fucking jealous. I want my boyfriend. I want the little romantic things.
~I try and find the romance in small things he does, but that always backfires on me. It's like I can't do ANYTHING without getting critizied.
~Part of it's my fault. Sure, I put him throught he I-don't-know-if-you-love-me ringer yesterday...but I'm over that today. I'm a stupid girl. I know he loves me. He does. He just does not show it like I do and that confuses me sometimes.
~Fuck!
~I'm trying to be honest and open and shit and it's just BACKFIRING. I need to jsut stop talking.
~Maybe that's what I'll do. I just won't talk to anyone for a day. Tomorrow. It'll be tomorrow. I'll get up, ignore the internet, and go to work and not listen if anyone says anything. It'll be easy. I have b33r and pizza gathering after work. Ok, this is a good plan. It'll let both of us cool off.
~Unless he calls me on the phone. But he never does that. So that's not a big concern. (Sometimes I wonder if it's because he doesn't really care...but it's just that he doesn't like phones, I guess.)
~Fuck.
~I just need to go somewhere and cool off. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of seeing all the romance and sweetness Amy is getting and just having a relationship with someone behind a computer.
~I need to get up there more. We need to touch more. I need to plan it out.
~Ok, then. May is taken care of. June? When in June? Oh, second weekend. That's the weekend just before our 2-year anaversery. Ok.
~July....the first weekend is going to be the July 4th weekend, so not then. I could do the second weekend or third or fourth. OK, thrid. That puts me getting up there monthly for the next few months. Anything other than that'll have to be up to him.
~Oh, damn...can I afford this? I'm going to have to. It should be ok. This has been such a bad month $$ wise. I've gotten my sister a computer (parents are going to pay me back when they can) and there's the rest of the $$ for the beach trip. That cuts me down to less than a thousand in savings. Uhg. Atleast I already have $$ for my bills secured away.
~It'll be ok. I have to do this. It doesn't matter about money. All that matters is us.
~Tomorrow will be our little break. He probally won't notice...but I guess that's life.~